Welcome Home

[2_libras]

Title: Welcome Home
Author name: 2_libras
Artist name: buyo205
Fandom: RPF/Crossover with CSI
Genre: Slash, AU
Pairing: Robert Knepper/Matt Dallas, Karl Urban/James Marsters,
Zachary Quinto, Warrick Brown
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 16500 (entire story)
Warnings/Spoilers: Drug use, detox, allusions to past abuse.
Summary: Rob had wandered home, tired and exasperated from his
evening. Some nights felt like he did nothing but beat his head
against brick walls. But he couldn't stop. Not when he came home to
people like Karl and Matt. Boys who'd be on the street or in some dive
apartment hoping they'd find someone to pay them for the evening. At
least in his house they were safe. At least they were sober and making
conscious decisions. And at least under his roof they were fed and
allowed to have a chance. He tossed his cigarette into the street as
he walked up, wondering if he'd see the boy from the bar again. He had
the sinking suspicion he would. He walked up the steps and let himself
inside with his key. He saw the only car around was James' but he was
used to that being here at all hours. Sometimes he wondered why James
didn't just give up, either that or move in himself. He ran a hand
through his hair awkwardly and tossed his keys on the table next to
the door, walking up the small step into the room they used as a
greeting room, that most would use as a living room and smiled at the
sight of Karl, hunched over the coffee table, a book open and reading.
"You do more homework in a week then I did in my entire life. I do not
envy you those classes." He leaned against the door frame and Karl
glanced up at him.

Link to art: (link to art post coming soon)




Rob had wandered home, tired and exasperated from his evening. Some nights felt like he did nothing but beat his head against brick walls. But he couldn't stop. Not when he came home to people like Karl and Matt. Boys who'd be on the street or in some dive apartment hoping they'd find someone to pay them for the evening. At least in his house they were safe. At least they were sober and making conscious decisions. And at least under his roof they were fed and allowed to have a chance. He tossed his cigarette into the street as he walked up, wondering if he'd see the boy from the bar again. He had the sinking suspicion he would. He walked up the steps and let himself inside with his key. He saw the only car around was James' but he was used to that being here at all hours. Sometimes he wondered why James didn't just give up, either that or move in himself. He ran a hand through his hair awkwardly and tossed his keys on the table next to the door, walking up the small step into the room they used as a greeting room, that most would use as a living room and smiled at the sight of Karl, hunched over the coffee table, a book open and reading. "You do more homework in a week then I did in my entire life. I do not envy you those classes." He leaned against the door frame and Karl glanced up at him.

"I don't envy me right now either, this class is confusing, the teachers an ass, and I've been staring at the same page for twenty minutes. Ask James." He motioned to the other man sitting with him. "I hate all the terminology bullshit. Just say things clearly. I won't remember half of this stuff in a bad situation, who would used these terms when they could just say 'I think he's bleeding from the stomach'?" He shut the book, resting his forehead against its cover with a groan.

"Twenty-five, I think," James smiled at Rob and rubbed over the back of Karl's neck - not that he was counting - for the fifth time in the last hour. He leaned down to whisper in Karl's ear. "Half an hour and you get a break." He sat back. A lot of people would think he'd do anything but stay here with Karl while he studied, but honestly he didn't want to be anywhere else. "Rob, got a load of stuff from the hotel for you," he said. "Sheets, towels, apparently my sister decided they all needed redecorating, and there was so much stuff that I know you'll get use out of. Matt's putting some of it away now."

"Just finished," Matt said and his eyes glowed a little when he saw Rob was home. He didn't rush into Rob's arms, he knew the other man wanted them to keep things low-key - it wasn't like Karl and James didn't know they were spending a lot of time together - and he was okay with that, but he did go up to him and smile. "Want me to get you something to eat?" he asked.

"Something other then pretzels would be lovely. I think I ate half my weight in them tonight." He smiled at Matt, touching his cheek lightly. "You'll be my hero if you include a bottle of water." He glanced at James then. "You really need to stop loading me up with things, I'm going to start feeling like a charity case." His smile said there was no hard feelings though.

"He's paying you off for all the time I spend, sitting around looking annoyed at text books, while he warms your couch and helps keep me sane." Karl laughed. "I could be working right now, after all. Time is money."

"Not when you've got school things. I sound like a parent, god help me..." Rob shook his head, laughing softly. "You know those books might suck but their your ticket out of here, and that matters more to me then the 20 dollars in groceries and electrical or whatever it amounts to, that you use in a week." He glanced up at James. "I keep him around because he keeps you focused. And he gives me sheets, apparently."

Matt flushed and went into the kitchen, making Rob a sandwich, soup and including the bottle of water Rob had mentioned. He waited for the soup to heat int he microwave.

"You know as well as I do that it'd end up in the garbage if you didn't take it," James said, it was well rehearsed, and completely true. "We get told off if we try to take it to any of the charity places and it's a lot better to see it used. I really mean that," he said. "You know I'd rather be here warming the couch with you than anywhere else with anyone else," to Karl.

Karl smiled back at James. "That's because your crazy about me for some reason I have yet to really figure out." He leaned back into the other man. "Not that I'm complaining. Not in the least."

Rob laughed softly. "I'm thankful, don't worry." He smiled at James. "You make sure he finishes that before you two get distracted." He pointed to the textbook, before moving into the kitchen and leaning onto the counter. "How was your day Matt? I know I was gone for most of it, and I was concerned you might get worried."

"I knew where you were," Matt said. "The client was okay, he took so long it wasn't worth taking another. So I've been doing some reading and cleaning up a bit outside," he said. "Nice day, really, and I didn't want to disturb Karl's work by doing something inside."

"I would never let you get distracted," James said. "You know that, right?" he asked Karl. "I know how important this is to you." He'd offered, long ago, to take Karl away from all this, but it hadn't worked, so he'd adjusted. It wasn't bad, he liked being with Karl too much for it to be a bad thing.

Rob glanced at the door before moving closer to Matt. "Your okay? He didn't do anything bad right?" He cupped Matt's cheek again. "I was worried about leaving while you had someone." He'd asked Karl to make sure Matt was okay, and he did seem okay, but he knew how well these boys could act if they needed too.

"You are a distraction. But like Rob said, you balance it out and keep me sane. I need that. These texts are complicated and my brain hurts after a while." He turned, kneeling to kiss James lightly.

"Nothing bad," Matt said. "I don't even ache any more from when... when he was inside me." He looked up at Rob. "Karl was good, he held me and we all lay down together - James too. Just lay there and they were supportive," he smiled. "James really cares about Karl."

"I know,' James nodded. Kissing back, he stroked Karl's hair. "You need to do another half hour and then I'm going to really distract you, I promise."

"I'm holding you to that. There will be consequences if you don't keep that promise." He gave James another quick kiss before slipping back down. "I deserve a reward for this damn book."

"He does. He's very much in love with him and I don't quite know why Karl's even still here. Most of the boys who come through here would hop at the chance to be James' lover. He's got enough money to pay for Karls schooling and all. Think it has to do with Karl being a stubborn pain in my ass, honestly." Rob grazed the younger mans lip with his thumb as he spoke. "We can do that, if you want...after I eat. Go lay down and you can tell me about today, or even just lay there in silence." He smiled softly. "After the noise in the bar its music to my ears to just have one voice at a time."

"Hmmm, maybe I'll see what you might punish me with?" James laughed and sat back, reading the papers he'd brought with him. He wasn't idle while he waited for Karl, but some of the work could have waited. Still, having time with Karl was important and if he had to bring work, he would.

"Hell, I'd consider it if he'd gone for me," Matt said. "I do want to be more than one of your boys someday," and he knew Rob knew that, it wasn't anything they hadn't talked about before. "I think Karl wants to stay here," and he kissed Rob's thumb gently. "I would like to tell you about it, and do you need a painkiller? Those places give anyone a headache." He was quiet, but he knew he could keep talking. "Did you talk to the boy you mentioned?"

"Yeah, I think I found the right one. He looked sick, I think he's detoxing the hard way. I offered for him to come back here and he told me he wasn't a pity case, and that he didn't do old men. Then asked me to buy him a drink so they didn't kick him out for loitering because he hadn't bought anything." Rob sighed. "And my heads fine now, it started easing up as soon as I got back here." He tried not to think about the day Matt would leave, even if he knew it would eventually happen. Karl was working his way towards it too, and that scared him sometimes. He'd started this place to make sure others didn't have to be alone, but sometimes he wondered how much of it was him feeding into his own need to be needed.

"I'll make you read me this damn book. That's what." Karl flipped a page. "I'm sure that trying to pronounce this shit is punishment in itself."

"That's no fun," James sighed. He was quiet then, going over the figures and being pleased that they were going well. He knew he might have to leave Las Vegas for a while soon and he was planning on asking Karl to go with him if that happened. Still, it wasn't inevitable, so he was keeping quiet about it until it became an issue.

"That's not good," Matt said, frowning. He moved closer to Rob and held him in his arms. He wasn't sure even now if his feelings for Rob were deeper than they should be or not. He loved him for saving him, but was it more? He didn't know. He just knew that he helped Rob keep calm, and Rob helped him that way too. That was more than enough for him right now.

"He's really sick, but his pride is bigger then the pull of a warm bed and shower, and that's not something I can fight." Rob wrapped around him as well. "Frustrating as hell, really." He let out a deep sigh. "I don't know if he'll make it through the detox without help. And I don't know if he's smart enough to go to the hospital. Most addicts think that's the worst idea in the world."

Karl chuckled softly, scanning down the page as he heard a knock at the door. "Its too late for a client. Probably someone looking for a room." He moved to get up. On the porch Zach pushed his fingers through his hair, his nails digging a little harder then intended at his scalp. He leaned against the door frame, trying to look casual, and not realizing how poorly he was doing it. Karl pulled the door open, looking at the other man once over. "Rob, I think this ones for you." Zach gave him a sour smile, moving to stand upright and almost collapsing into Karls arms. "Christ man..." Karl guided Zach to the floor.

"You got through to me," Matt said, kissing Rob's cheek lightly. "I don't know either, but I think we're about to find out," he said, hearing the call from Karl.

James had his phone in his hand. "Can I call anyone?" he asked. He didn't really know enough about how things worked to know if an ambulance was a good idea or not but there might be someone he could call.

Rob held up a hand to James, kneeling next to Zach. "Matt, get us some water, food will make him sick." He looked at Karl. "I need him in the bedroom so he can rest. We'll used one of the client rooms for now cause their closest. Can you get him there or should I?" Karl tested it.

"I got him, but he's bad Rob, he's sick. This is multiple substances. I don't need to have medical training to know that." Karl gave Rob a fierce look.

"Do you want the police here? Cause I don't. The less dealings with them and attention we bring to ourselves the better. Once I figure out how bad he really is then I'll assess if I'm taking him to the Emergency room. I've seen this more then you have, and I can make this call. Now get him in there." Rob stood and Karl gave a bothered look but did as he was told. "James, I don't need anything from you, but Karl might."

Zach, for his part was trying to figure out what the fuss was over. He felt himself being moved into the other room, dazing slightly at the burgundy of the walls and ceiling, before sighing at the feeling of the mattress beneath him.

James stopped and headed in to see if he could help Matt. Not that he could but walking was doing something. He smiled. "Not the way we thought we'd be spending this time, huh?" he asked.

Matt shook his head even as he got the water into a sports bottle, so they'd be able to put it to Zach's lips. "He needs help, though, and Rob won't rest until he's stable."

Karl lifted Zach, pulling the shirt off of him to check him for bruises, cringing at the sight of how thin the other man was. "Definite signs of using the worst of the worst." He touched a few scars on Zachs arms and glanced at Rob. A moment later Zach pulled his arm away, his reflexes moving slower then he noticed.

"Get him some clean clothes, we won't change him for a while but I want them handy. And get something for him to have beside the bed in case he gets sick." Karl nodded, moving to go get what he'd been asked for, and Rob moved to pull off Zachs shoes, then moving to pull at the other mans belt. Zachs hands moved faster this time, more grabbing Robs wrists and trying to shove them away then anything. Rob let go. "I'm just trying to get these clothes off you, their filthy and the smell will start to make you sick soon. I'd rather not have that."

Matt knocked on the door, followed by James. "It's okay, he won't hurt you and if he does," he glanced at Rob, hoping the other man would understand, "I'll make sure he can't hurt you any more." He put the water down. "Do you think you can let me take the pants off?" He knew that maybe the other man could let him help, because he could trust someone his own age better.

James just watched. This is what he wanted Karl to get away from, or to only know professionally. Still, he felt for the young man.

Zach curled inward, murmuring to himself quietly. "Sleep, no ones there then...just wake up and get away and your fine..." His voice trailed softly and Rob listened intently. Karl came back, looking at Rob for a moment before setting the bowl down and putting the clothes on the dresser.

"Hey...My name is Karl." He set a hand on Zach's shoulder carefully. "I'm the guy you saw before you went down...we need you to drink some water. I'm a doctor, and I'm sure you need it." He waved Matt closer. "You met Rob earlier I think right? This is Matt. And back by the door is James. Rob's saved us...he wants to do the same for you. But we can't help you when your all bound up in these clothes. I know their not comfortable. I've seen what this is like and sometimes even a breath on your skin hurts like hell." He handed Matt the water bottle. "Matt's got the water, and I'm going to work on your pants. I'll touch you as little as I can, okay?" Zach tried to focus on Matt over Karls shoulder.

"S'not...s'not Matt." He gave a weak reach for the other man, more for the bottle then anything and Karl gently unbuttoned his pants.

"This is our Matt, this is my Matt." Rob said softly. "We're all here to take care of you. I promised you'd be safe and I meant it."

"Helping you is all we want to do," Matt agreed. "I want to help you get comfortable and relax and maybe sleep it off some." He had a washcloth and was cleaning Zach up as best he could after Karl checked him over. "And if Karl gives you any trouble, I'll make sure he doesn't," he said. He knew Karl would understand that he was just reassuring the other man.

"He's a very nice Matt," James agreed. "He's a good, gentle man, and he can help you a lot." He was hoping his assuring tone would help.

Matt was startled, he had no idea James had taken that much notice of him.

Karl touched a scar on Zachs hip, gauging the age of it and wondering how long he'd been like this. "You can sleep here and get well. We'll be there for you. You need people who won't let you keep doing this to yourself, and I think you know that or you wouldn't be here right now."

Rob smiled at James for that. "We won't leave your side. You won't be alone unless your showering, and even then we'll be right outside." He moved and knelt beside Karl. "Do you have any medical issues? Any long term stuff?" He asked.

Zach shook his head, taking a swallow from the water bottle, and setting it down. He looked at Rob and then at Matt, watching him clean his skin, and brought a hand up to his face to cover his eyes, acting as if he was rubbing them to hide his tears. "Don't want to feel this anymore. I can't...lost everything. I'm not even strong enough to end it."

"I was close to doing that before I came here," Matt said, as he rubbed gently on Zach's skin. "I was so far gone I'd even tried to do it with a knife, but I was so out of it I used the blunt side and couldn't figure out why I hadn't started to bleed." He shook his head. "If Rob hadn't found me before I figured out that turning it around would work..."

James had had no idea and he was shocked, Matt seemed so together, more so than Karl was at times, at least from what he'd seen. He smiled over at Rob. He had noticed more than he knew.

Rob took the cloth and wiped at Zachs face. "No one here will judge you for that...you don't need to hide it." He pushed Zachs hair back and studied him closely. "We've all been that low. I can almost promise that." He touched Matts leg gently out of Zachs view, not wanting to let Zach see it and take it wrong but needing to give the other man some comfort.

"I moved from another country. And when we got here my parents and I fought, and I ran away." Karl frowned. "I was entirely alone. I had nothing but what I fit into a backpack. I thought the street would kill me before I got the money together for a knife to do it myself. I'd almost settled on the thought when I met Rob." He checked Zachs legs over as he spoke. "We've all suffered. It takes different levels to make different people break. But I think we all have."

"I'm not from here." Zach covered his face again, now outright covering it though, not pretending anymore. "I left everything to come here..."

The touch helped Matt focus. "I'm not either, I came here from Phoenix, thought I was finding what I needed and maybe I did, but I went through a lot before I did..." he touched Zach's skin, very carefully, still cleaning gently. He knew what he had wanted, even when he couldn't say, and he was giving that to Zach. "I made my share of mistakes, but no one here judges me, and I know this is a good place to be."

"It is a good place, I don't work here," James said. "But I do all I can to help, and I'd do more if Rob would let me, but he's stubborn as a mule and so independent. That's a good thing, really, though."

Rob set a hand on Zach's chest. "I won't force you to stay. But if you tell me you want to get clean right now, I'll make sure that before you leave here you are. You might hate me more then anyone you've ever known, but you'll be sober. I won't force that on you though. I will say that if you want to stay here then you have to get sober. At least past tonight." He'd said all this at the bar, but he could tell the other man had sobered some since then.

Zach nodded slowly. "I came to Vegas to die or get sober. If this is what it takes..."

Karl relaxed a bit, there had been a few who'd come in and left again when they found out the house was a clean house. Those always upset him the most.

"You'll hate us all at some point, and then you'll realise..." Matt cut off before he said it would be himself Zach hated for a while, he didn't need to hear that now, but Matt would be there for him when he was there. He bit his lip. "You'll realise we're not all so bad," he finished, so it would make sense. He worked carefully at the pants, getting them off, finally. He knew they'd end up burned, and thank god they would, too. "Do you need anything?" he asked. He knew what Zach would think he needed but he wondered if he would say something else.

James was just watching, and he determined even more that he was going to help Rob, it was needed so badly.

Zach gave a rough laugh. "Nothing I think you'll actually give me, other then sleep. I haven't had a bed with blankets in about a month and it feels really good right now."

Rob nodded. "I'll take the first shift guys. Karl, your book better stay open, and then you get some rest too. After my shift it might be yours." Karl nodded, standing and moving to James.

"Can I stay with you?" Matt asked Rob. "With both of you?" looking at Zach. He knew Rob knew how it felt, but he'd been through it all more recently.

"He'll get some sleep if I have to give him a pill myself," James said to Rob. He didn't know if he should leave or not, but he'd ask Karl what would be best. Still, he'd stay until Karl lay down either way.

Rob nodded. "I'll need bathroom breaks. I'm going to go eat that food you made for me speaking of, so I've got something in my system and I don't fall asleep. Zach your sure your not hungry?"

"If you bring food near me I'll puke on you." He murmured, rolling on his side and pulling the covers up over himself tightly. Rob arched an eyebrow and smirked at that.

Matt snickered and murmured in Zach's ear. "Mind if I lay on top of the blankets?"

James smiled. "I'll take care of Karl, and if there's any problems we'll deal with them unless we need you." He knew he was taking over a little but someone needed to say it, Rob had enough on his mind.

Rob nodded at James. "Thank you, both of you. I'll let you know if anything changes."

Zach shrugged gently. "S'fine." He mumbled, his voice all ready lulled with sleep.

"It's okay, you need help, I'm here,' James said.

Matt moved onto the bed and curled up, knowing that feeling his warmth would be good for Zach. He watched as Rob went to eat.

Zach relaxed against him, sighing softly as he nodded off.

Rob ate in silence, thinking about the boy in the other room, and what he'd have to do to prepare for the worst of what was to come. Sometimes he wished this was a new thing to him, but he remembered how hard it had been the first few times, and he didn't want to go through that again.

Matt watched Zach as he slept, murmuring softly when he cried out, trying to reassure him that he wasn't alone, that he had people who gave a damn if he lived or died. He knew it would be hard for Zach at first, that he would take a lot of convincing. But they could all do it between them.

Rob stopped in, saying he had to gather supplies for Zach, and that he'd be back in a while. He knew he was leaving Zach in good hands with Matt, and if anything got out of control Karl was close enough to help things get fixed. He kissed Matts temple gently and left, trying to rush as he went to go gather supplies.

Zach turned in his sleep, wrapping his arms around Matts waist, pushing the covers mostly off himself to do it.

Matt moved to make sure he was close to Zach so he wouldn't get too cold without the covers on. "It's okay, I'm here, it's Matt," he said softly. "I'm here for you, Zach."

Zach shifted so his face was against Matts neck, almost awkwardly, and nuzzled there in his sleep. "Matty..." He mumbled.

He'd never gone by that name but Matt was fine with that, or anything else Zach said. "Yeah, I'm here, it's okay." He rubbed Zach's back very gently.

Zach let out a soft sigh, pressing a kiss against Matts neck. "so sorry..." He murmured. "miss you..." He placed another kiss then.

"Nothing to be sorry about," Matt murmured. He liked the kisses, maybe more than he should but they felt nice.

Zach nipped at Matts earlobe then, becoming more awake as he moved. "Thank you for chasing me...I should've brought you..." His hand pushed under Matts shirt. "Forgive me..."

Matt figured that Zach thought he was someone else, and he wondered if he should let him know, but he knew that sometimes just holding someone was good and he could put a stop to it gently if he needed to. "Always..."

"Fuck me..." Zach slipped his hand up, searching for a nipple until he found one. "Make it hurt..."

"Zach," Matt whispered, moaning a little. "I don't know..."

Zach groaned. "Please Matty, you know what I need. Your the only one who ever did..." Zachs eyes fluttered open, his hips grinding against Matts.

Matt turned, so Zach could see him. "I don't think I'm the Matt you thought I was," he said softly. "But..." he didn't let Zach go, either, but he knew Zach could let go if that was what he wanted.

Zach looked closely, his eyes still hazy from sleep. "I'm so alone..." He mumbled. "Sorry...I...shouldn't have."

"I understand being alone," Matt said. "I've been there, so have most of the guys here." He touched Zach, gently.

"Why are you all so nice. I don't deserve that." Zach looked confused at Matt.

"Yes, you do," Matt said. "Everyone deserves a chance to have a life, and you were lucky, you found Rob, which means you're here and you have that chance. I want you to have it..."

"You don't know what I've been through. I've been trying to die for a long time and people just keep stopping it and I don't get why. I just want to stop hurting..." Zachs voice was quiet, his eyes focused on something far away. "Why do I get the luck, when I don't want it?"

"I guess you didn't hear what I said earlier," Matt murmured. "I was so close to killing myself that I had the knife to my wrist but I had the wrong side. Just a couple more minutes and I'd have been dead. I wanted to be."

Zach closed his eyes tight, forcing back his emotions. "I've done enough drugs and had enough of the wrong kind of sex to be rotten inside. I don't want to be saved, I want to feel numb."

"I took enough cocaine to support a small South American country to this day," Matt said. "And as for the sex, well, I had to get the money for that somehow."

"I can't believe that you couldn't just get hand outs for being hot. Where I'm from, most of my targets would get me fucked up beyond belief for a chance into my pants. Mainly because most of them could see the bruises from the night before. Knowing they could hurt me only made them hotter." He rolled into Matt again, burying his face in Matts chest.

"I know how that is, and you wake up and find there's bruises and pain you know weren't there when you last checked, and you ache like you never have," Matt whispered. "You feel like you've been kicked in the ribs even if that's not where the actual pain is."

"And the easiest way to numb the pain is more drugs, and the more drugs you take the less you feel and the more bruises you wake up with. Vicious circle." Zach mumbled. "Can't remember the last time I fucked sober."

"It's amazing how different it feels when you know that, when you do it and you realise how fucking good the pleasure is without the drugs clouding your mind," Matt said. "I've been in the cycle."

"I've tried before, back home. I couldn't do it and I thought it was because I had someone there who'd be going through it too and it was just too hard for both of us at once. Now, I'm here, and I don't even know if he's okay. I know he probably hates me and that just makes me want to forget and do it again." He sighed.

"I hope he is, and we can find that out, Rob has contacts so many places," Matt said, softly. "We'll help you, that's what we're here for, and we care about you."

"You don't know me. I've been dealing with perfect strangers trying to help me most of my life, and all it did was make me distrust their reasons." Zach studied Matt slowly. "I've been the pity friend, or the fascinating survivor, or the one you just want to say you know because they've been in the newspaper once ten years ago. I've done all of that. And most of them figured out after a while that I'm just a guy, and a good chunk of the time I'm a dick, and when I'm sober I'm even worse."

"You're just a guy to me, one who needs help," Matt answered. "You can be a dick, so can we all, it doesn't matter if we're good, bad or just here, if we want help we can have it. You're probably not as bad as you think you are when you're sober, either."

"I've had one friend my whole life who didn't leave me behind. One. And I left him in the middle of the night because he scared me." Zach shook his head. "No one deserves that, especially not him. He's got me through so much heavy shit, him and my brother, and he said one wrong thing and I ran like the Devil was on my heels."

"What did he say?" Matt asked, his hands still stroking and rubbing Zach's skin, trying to assure him. "What could he say that scared you so much?" he shook his head. "I've never had anyone say something that scared me that much."

"We were fucking, the way we always did. It was rough and brutal and amazing, and he said he loved me. I knew he meant it, and I ran. I waited till he passed out and I packed a bag and I ran. I left a note and called him the next week to let him know I'd gotten here. I haven't talked to him since." Zach let out a shaky sigh.

"Scariest words in the world when you don't think you're worthy of them," Matt said softly. "I know, because the first person I ever met who I could believe when he said the words was Rob. And he doesn't mean it the way your guy did."

"I'm an idiot. I did him a favor getting away from him. Maybe if he gets sober he can find someone who cares and can show it." Zach rubbed his eyes as he spoke.

"I hope he does, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve to get sober and find a life here," Matt told him. "You do, and you need to know that. We want you to be here with us."

"I don't know how to live without him...not even in any love way, I just, I didn't have to explain things to him. He knew what not to ask about, and every one else pushes it. Even my brother doesn't know when to stop sometimes. I haven't sobered up since I got into town for long enough to realize how much its going to suck to try to tell people things about me." Zach rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling.

Matt held Zach a little tighter. "You don't have to explain anything to anyone here. As long as you don't hurt anyone, or make them feel bad for being here, you don't have to. If you want to, that's your choice."

"I don't know what I want. I just know that eventually people will ask questions about things and I'll either have to answer them or someone will. I'd rather they get the story from me or someone I trust." He sighed. "I used to make up lies and see how far they spread, that doesn't seem fun anymore either."



"Then tell us we can come to you, or find someone you trust and let them tell us," Matt answered. He was discovering that he liked Zach. He hoped they'd be able to help him.

He looked at Matt for a moment. "You kinda look like my Matty..." He frowned slightly. "Thank you for not just letting things go..."

"Poor guy," Matt joked, weakly. "I couldn't, I've been right where you are, and no one deserves to stay there if they have the balls to get out of it, and I know you do."

"I don't know if I can handle sobriety. Not really. Theres so much worth forgetting." He closed his eyes.

"I know," Matt said. "That's how I was when I started to realise how it would be, but it's so much better now I'm past the bad part. You just have to get the strength to do that, and I know how hard it is."

Zach held up his arm then, studying a scar across his wrist. "What do you think this is?" He showed it to Matt, testing himself more then anything, to see if he could talk about it yet.

Matt studied it very carefully. "It's in the wrong place for you to try and kill yourself, unless it's from before you found out cutting across wouldn't do it, maybe it's from cuffs or rope that cut into the skin?"

"I did cut myself, but that was after the cuffs, and never to die, mostly to remind myself the blood still flowed under there. Every time I look at this I'm reminded. Makes me sick." He traced the line with his thumb carefully.

Matt touched the scar, gently. "That was my second guess," he said quietly. "I'm sorry." He knew the words were trite but he meant them.

"Everyone says I'm lucky to have gotten out alive. Never did figure out where they got lucky from this..." He touched the scar again and swallowed hard. "My psychiatrists used to get so mad at me. I just don't understand why I should be happy to have gotten away when every day since then has been full of pain."

"I know what you mean," Matt nodded. "You need to get to the place where it's not full of pain. Or at least not every day is. It's there, you just have to let it happen."

"I'd be okay if it weren't for the nightmares. I can't ever get far enough away for them to stop coming." He shook his head slightly, trying to chase them off. "I'm going to be so sick for the next few days, I'm sorry for anything I say to you. You've been nothing but kind to me."

Matt nodded. "I won't lie to you, the nightmares never go away completely.They do get less, and that's all I know right now. And I know. Rob recorded my detox - with permission - and the things I said and didn't mean..." Matt shook his head. "I'm going to be here for you, though. I know I don't know you very well, but I do care." It was in a different way to the general caring he felt for all the boys, too, Zach made him want to make things okay if he could.

"I know how I've gotten before. I get violent. The doctors say its a defense mechanism, whenever something hurts my first urge it to punch someone. Put Matty and my brothers lights out a few times, trying to get more from somewhere." He sighed. "I don't like the person I am."

"Then find something you can use to punch. A punching bag, one of the guys into that kind of thing, hell, I punched Rob more than once and he still trusts me in his bed," Matt said lightly. "You don't know the person you are off that shit, Zach. You know the person you are when you want it so bad you'd sell your soul for it, but that's not who you are without it."

"What happens if I don't like the other me any better?" He looked at his hand again, noticing it was shaking for the first time and making a fist quickly. "What if I need that shit to tolerate myself."

"Don't keep making excuses," Matt said, he recognised that as one. "Find out who you are without it. See how you feel then. Don't let your being scared of not being able to cope without it be what keeps you on it."

"I just..." Zach sighed. "I can all ready feel how much I want it, and I know it will only get worse and god its all ready awful."

"I know, but after it gets worse it will get better, I promise," Matt said. "If you can get through the worst, it only feels better after that."

Zach nodded silently, his eyes darting to the door. "Someones outside the door. How many people live here?" He looked at Matt.

"Fifteen or so, it fluctuates, plus there's clients, it's not impossible that one could be walking past," Matt answered. "Most likely it's Rob coming back, he really needed some decompression time."

"He seems nice, but I don't get him. Usually I can put a game to someone once I've spoke to them a while. I don't know his game and I don't get it." Zach leaned into the the pillow some, his hand going to his hair to give it a light tug.

Outside the door Rob organized the supplies he'd gathered. He could hear soft talking from coming inside, which meant Zach was awake. He took a deep breath and opened the door, glancing in at them, making sure he wasn't interrupting anything.

"He's amazing," Matt said. "He doesn't have a game. He only wants to help. Yes, eventually, he puts us to work, but it's on our terms, not how a pimp would be - Rob isn't a pimp. He gives us somewhere to stay." He smiled up at Rob. "And here he is."

Rob smiled slightly. "And you don't work until your ready, if you ever are." He brought the box in and set it on the dresser. "If you want a shower, I think you should do it now before you get into the heavier part of this. I brought things to clean you later, just temporarily, but I figure you might want to start off clean."

Zach considered that. "I honestly don't know if I could stand for one, I feel so weak. My money has been going toward stuff to keep me oblivious really, other then the food people have bought me I haven't eaten much."

"And now your too sick to your stomach to eat anything. I figured that, so I brought you a nutrient shake. I keep a few on hand for people like you, and for the days I forget to eat until Karl slaps me for not." He gave walked over and held it out, along with a straw, to Matt. "Your stomach will absorb the liquid faster, and its less likely to throw it up. If you ate anything solid right now it would probably reject immediately."

"I could take you into the shower," Matt offered. "If you want that. I know it's hard, but we really do want to help you and it would be better. God, I was just like that, do you remember," he asked Rob. "Except I thought I could handle eating. I really couldn't."

"I let you try though, because I wanted to believe you were less along then you were. I should've known better." Rob frowned. "That was rough, but we got through it."

"I'll try the shower, I don't know if it will hurt too much." Zach sighed softly. "If I get clean I'm going to need to make a couple calls. But until then, don't give me a phone, I don't want to call anyone and say anything I don't mean."

"Oh I know better then to give someone who's detoxing a phone. Only took once when someones dealer showed up knocking to give them their fix." Rob motioned to the bottle. "Drink that, then shower, it will help your shaking."

"I'll hold you up and I'll treat you gently," Matt said. He watched as Zach slowly drank the shake and took a hold of Rob's hand. He needed the contact with the other man, more than he realised as he felt a jolt when they touched, not a sexual feeling but a knowledge that it would be okay.

Zach sipped the shake slowly, looking the can over even though his eyes weren't really able to focus on it between his own shakiness and the light in the room. "I trust you. You've been through this, so you know what it means when I say it hurts." He said quietly, glancing at Rob. "I'm trying to trust you."

"And that's all that I ask. I've never wanted more then that from anyone when they came here, I can't expect it of you with what all of you boys have been through." He smiled. "I got you a loose fitting robe for when you get out of the shower, something that will cover you but not touch you too much. I'd prefer if you were naked while you detox, only because I've had people try to hurt themselves with clothing, and me for that matter. The robe is fine, its silk so it will rip under too much strain."

"Thank you," Matt smiled. "God, I know how much it hurts, believe me and I'll stop touching you if you need me to, because sometimes that is just what you need. But I won't let go until you're somewhere secure, so if it hurts in the shower, just bear with me until I can get you out, okay?" Matt asked. He hoped Zach would understand the constraints.

Zach nodded slowly. "I'll try to be patient. I need to be as clean as possible, cause for the next couple weeks I probably won't be up to a real shower." He closed his eyes and tried not to think about it. "Not the worst days of my life though, gotta remember that."

Rob leaned against the dresser, glancing away at those words. "Anything we can do to help you through it, we will. Once your clean we'll take you to a doctor at the clinic and have them check you for anything long lasting. If I take you there now they'll just substitute one addiction for another and that is not what I'm trying to do."

"You won't, but we might be able to bathe you with a sponge," Matt said. "It'll be something if you're partly clean." He helped Zach into the bedroom, and wondered a little as to what the worst day would be but he wouldn't ask, if Zach wanted him to know he'd tell him.

Zach whimpered softly as they moved. "I ache, feel like I fell down a flight of stairs. Or actually I might've, theres a lot of fog since I got to Vegas." He shuddered slightly. "Make the water as warm as I can handle it, I'm so cold."

"That's the detox starting to come on, my guess is your last real dose was probably about 24 hours ago?" Rob asked.

"Yeah, but it was about half of what I usually take, I couldn't get enough money together to get a full hit. I was hoping to steal someones wallet at the bar tonight." Zach looked ashamed of himself at that.

"I'll do that," Matt nodded. "Is that a good thing?" he asked Rob. "That it was less, I mean," he wasn't going to bring up the other part, though, better not to. He got up first, and offered a hand to Zach. "Let's get you showered." He knew this would be hard but they'd get him through it if it was at all possible.

Rob gave half a shrug. "This isn't like quitting smoking where you can ween off, it sucks regardless, his detox symptoms will come on faster. That's probably half of why he collapsed in the doorway." Rob sighed. "Do you want me in the bathroom with you?" He asked Zach softly, and Zach considered it.

"I have a lot of issues with guys older then me seeing me naked, I really don't think its a good idea." He leaned against Matt.

"Okay, I respect that, I'll be right down the hall in the kitchen if you need me Matt. Just call for me and I'll hear you." He stroked Matts hair softly. Zach seemed surprised at how easily Rob gave in, but thankful at the same time.

Matt nodded, "I'll take care of him. Don't worry." He helped Zach into the bathroom. "How hot can you handle it?" he asked. "I have it so hot a couple of the guys find it scalding. I have to remember to run the cold water after I'm done or the next guy gets a nasty shock."

"Start it off normal hot and if I need more, turn it up as we go? I don't trust that pool water wouldn't burn right now." Zach wrapped his arms around himself, his body shaking slightly.

Rob waited for the bathroom door to swing mostly shut before moving to the kitchen and calling the police department and pulling a few favors. He'd taken Zachs wallet from his jeans pocket and was going through it, trying to find anything he could about him in it and finding little except the ID card and a few pictures. He spoke to an officer he knew well enough to trust, setting up a deal of information for a few free nights at the house. He hung up the phone and sighed.

"Okay," Matt nodded. He hugged Zach and turned the water on, maybe a little hotter than normal but not by much. He got under it and drew Zach in, using gel rather than soap because it would be softer. He scrubbed at one area and realised too late that it was a bruise, not dirt. "Sorry," he murmured.

"That, that hurt like hell." Zach let out a pained laugh. "I didn't know it was a bruise till you touched it. Water is helping some, but it almost stings. Wonder if I'll itch this time, the last time I tried cold turkey I scratched till I bled. Ended up getting more just to make that stop. It was awful."

"I'm sorry," Matt said again. "I didn't either. I'll be more careful with the rest." He thought a bit. "Probably, but I can get some gloves for you, that at least will only make you make marks, not bleed. It worked for me, at least. I don't know if it'll work for you but it's worth a try, yeah?" He washed Zach's hair gently too.

Zach nodded, leaning into the touch and let himself get lost in thought. "I all ready feel guilty for the way I'm going to treat you. I've done so many awful things in the name of this..." He sighed.

"It's okay," Matt said. "I'll tell you, when you're up to it, just how bad I was. The things I did to Rob," he shook his head. "But this is a promise. I'll do it when you're past your worst, you're going to have to wait until you can properly appreciate it. Rinse," he said. "Close your eyes."

Zach did as he was told, leaning his head back a bit too. He let himself be taken care of, knowing that it would help him get through the worst in the long run, even if he barely knew the man washing him. "You know...I've had plenty of random sex, but I think this is the most intimate thing I've done with someone the day I met them."

Matt smiled. "Living here, I've had about as much random sex as it's possible to have, but this does feel more intimate." He rinsed Zach's body. "You're a lot cleaner now, and hopefully that will help some. I know it's not going to be easy but the thing is, we'll be here for you." He kissed Zach's forehead, softly. "Now come on, let's get you dry."

Zach nodded, moving slowly. "I just hope I don't let you down, or Rob for that matter."

"I don't know why but I really don't think you will. I kind of have a good record with this," Matt said. "I mean, there could be something goes wrong, because god knows this whole thing is a crap shoot, but I have a good feeling about you."

"It makes me happy to know I've got your faith. At least someone has faith in me." Zach smiled at Matt. "If I get through this, I owe you."

"You do, and I really feel like it's going to be okay," Matt said. "Eventually. It's not going to be soon, or easy."

Zach nodded. "Okay, now, I need to lay down before my legs don't work any more. Their starting to hurt bad." He cringed as he tried to stretch some.

Matt let Zach lean on him as he took him back to the bedroom, helping him lay down. "Do you want the robe?" he asked.

"Just blankets...and you, if that's okay. I'll try to be less touchy." He knew part of his attachment to the other man was the comfort he took in how much he reminded him of the other Matt, but he also knew he trusted him, and that he'd know what he was going through.

"It's definitely okay," Matt smiled. "Anything you need." He knew Zach needed to cling to him, but it was okay and he would do all he could to help him. He took him to the bed and pulled the covers down.

Zach slipped in, warmed from the water but still cold, the feeling radiating from his bones. "Don't..." He stopped, considering what he was gonna say for a moment. "Don't tell anyone anything I say in my sleep okay? I've been told I talk about stuff I don't normally talk about."

"I promise, it goes no further than us - unless it's something that would endanger anyone." Matt couldn't promise not to say anything if it seemed like Zach would hurt anyone, including himself.

"Its usually stuff about the past. All that hurting is all ready damage done." He wrapped his arms around his pillow, squeezing it tightly.

Matt nodded and climbed into bed, leaving room for Zach to come to him if he needed to, but not squeezing too close until Zach asked for it.

Zach took the chance to nod before the pain got too rough, knowing how hard it would be to rest then. He moved back toward the other man, pressing his back to Matt's side, knowing the other man was there helped keep the dreams at bay.

Matt watched Zach sleep for a while, hoping that the good start, as far as these thing went, was a good sign for them all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

James led Karl out and held him close once they were downstairs. "I know that was hard for you," he whispered.

Karl leaned against James slightly and sighed. "Its always hard, never gets any easier. I don't know how Rob does it..."

"I suspect because he has a lot of good help," James answered and hugged Karl tighter. "So, ready to dive back into the unexciting terminology?"

Karl settled down to do his work again, this time on the couch beside James, his legs draped over the other mans lap, wanting to be as close as possible to him.

James smiled and kept reading his papers, the companionship feeling good, especially after the excitement earlier. He watched Karl as he concentrated, and wished, for the millionth time, that he could persuade him to leave, and yet he understood why he couldn't, and strangely, that was a part of why he loved Karl, his loyalty.

Karl tried hard to focus, his mind still on the boy in the other room. "I should sleep out here since Robs not near bye. I don't want to be too far if they need help." He nodded down the hall.

"You're going to sleep in a bed, and I'll give Matt my phone so he can call us if he needs us," James answered. "Rob will be back soon, you know that."

Karl glanced at James, and nodded. "All right, but only because I know you won't let it go."

"You need the rest," James said. "You know it's better that way. And you're right, you're figuring me out more by the day," he teased.

"I just know stubborn men too well. Rob gave me the excelled course." Karl smiled at James. "You're just fine tuning my skills with it."

"Well, yes, Rob is very stubborn," James agreed. "And hey, if you're going to spend your life with me, you'll need to get used to it."

Karl studied him a moment and smiled. "You have no idea how good that sounds do you?"

"I do," James smiled. "I think I'd do anything to have you in my life. And I don't just mean spending time here instead of being anywhere else that isn't where you are, either."

Karl reached out and touched James' cheek lightly. "you're an amazing man."

"Just fell in love with you, and it was as much a shock for me as it was for you," James said, touching Karl too. "Are you nearly done?" he didn't want to pull Karl away from his books but he wanted to hold him.

Karl nodded. "I can finish my reading tomorrow. I can't focus tonight anyway." He closed the book. "I'm scattered as hell after everything."

"I know what you mean," James said. "But you'll have time tomorrow, and if you lay down, you'll rest even if you don't sleep." He stretched out a little, waiting for Karl to get up first.

Karl nodded, standing slowly and giving a stretch and a groan. "Some days I feel all of 70 years old."

"You don't look it," James smiled. "Let's get you upstairs," and he pulled Karl out of the living room.

Karl let himself be led, happy to have the distraction of movement. "Don't forget to leave the phone by the room. Don't disturb them, but put it close so he'll see it if he comes out."

"I won't," James said, and he lay it down, hearing the murmurs of voices in the room, hoping that the boys would rest more, it wasn't like Karl and Rob didn't need rest too.

Karl walked to his room, fumbling into auto pilot quickly as he moved, more tired then he'd realized. "That adrenaline rush wore off fast."

James grinned. "You just need to relax, babe. You really don't do that enough, even when you could."

Karl nodded, tugging his shirt off and dropping to the bed. "I can't relax right now, that class is too much, and now a new boy on top of it..."

James had known Karl would say that. "I'll settle for you laying down and sleeping if you can," he said, not pushing. "I might even be persuaded to rub your back."

"I'll try to sleep. Though that back rub could help." He laid down, trying to find a comfortable position on his stomach.

"Well then," James smiled, kissing the back of Karl's neck, "we're just going to have to do that, because you do need to sleep. And you know I can put you out if I try real hard."

"I know you can too, your hands are like magic." Karl smiled at the soft kiss.

Karl moaned softly at the feeling of the knots starting to come undone. "I have a lot on my plate."

"I know baby," James said, pressing down on a slightly more stubborn knot. He eased it out of existence, and then went on to the next one. "I just want to have you relax more."

"I try. You have to know that." He said softly. "I just can't sometimes."

"I know you try," James said. "I do, baby. But you're not going to help anyone if you don't let yourself have down time." He knew it was futile, he'd said that to Karl so much.

Karl nodded, barely moving but too busy feeling the knots loosening to really form much thought. "I'll keep trying."

"I'll make sure you do," James said. He loved the feel of Karl's skin under his hands, his body seeming to fit so well.

"Sleep here tonight? I sleep better with you next to me." Karl said quietly. He didn't usually ask for that, but everything that had happened made him not want to be alone.

"I'm not going anywhere," James answered, his hands caressing more than massaging once they reached Karl's ass. He wasn't going to push for sex, but he had to be gentler there.

"That feels nice..." Karl arched into the touch a bit, reflexively.

"You know me," James said. "Can't be rough here..." he found it hard to be rough with Karl any more, though sometimes if he asked at the right time, James could do that. It had become a lot more gentle between them over time.

Karl laughed softly. "I can make you be rough there if I tease you enough."

"Bring it," James teased. "If you really want that, you know I can't resist you long." He could make an effort but he always gave in and Karl knew it.

Karl sighed. "My ass isn't a tease enough." He playfully swayed his hips a bit.

"Guh," James said. "You know it is," he spanked him, lightly. "But only enough for sex, if you are up for it."

"Slow gentle sex...nothing acrobatic, and we've got a deal." Karl smiled over his shoulder at James. "I need to save my energy."

"Definitely, because I'm not up for anything more," James admitted, and he rarely put it into words, he was more likely to take control of things and do what he was up to. He just felt drained from earlier too.

Karl nodded. "C'mon then, before your magic fingers put me to sleep."

"If you were that tired you'd already be asleep," James teased even as he reached for the lube.

Karl laughed and shifted a bit, arching his back to improve the angle for James to prep him.

"If you were that tired you'd already be asleep," James teased even as he reached for the lube.

Karl laughed and shifted a bit, arching his back to improve the angle for James to prep him.

James stretched Karl out carefully and gently, wincing a little when he pressed against places that made Karl wince. "Okay, baby?" He knew he was one of few who asked that.

"Yeah...I'm okay. I can handle you...you know I can." He groaned at the gentle way the other man touched him.

"I know," James smiled. "I just want to be sure you're ready." He stared at a red mark on Karl's back for a moment before slicking his cock and sliding in gently.

"You feel so good..." Karl murmured softly.

"Likewise," James said. He rested inside Karl for a while, enjoying the feeling of tightness around his cock.

"Thank you babe..." Karl murmured.

"It's what we both need," James said softly. "Can you move up a little?" he asked, sliding out slowly. "Just a little, just your hips?"

Karl did as he was told, shifting and arranging himself some. "Better?"

"Perfect," James smiled. He reached under Karl to stroke him. "Now I can reach you."

"That's... that's really good." Karl groaned softly.

"I'm glad," James leaned down so he could whisper in Karl's ear. "Because you feel so good around me, baby."

"Keep talking...don't stop." Karl leaned back into James.

"I don't plan to," James whispered. "You feel so good, and you're warm under me too," he kissed the nearest patch of skin.

Karl moaned softly, gripping the sheet. "Make me feel so good."

"I will," James said, moving, staying slow and gentle, he'd speed up if it was needed, but right now he was pretty sure some gentle friction would be all they'd both need to come.

Karl turned his head awkwardly to kiss James, his hips rolling with the other mans thrusts.

James sped up just a little, pushing his cock harder into Karl as he slid his tongue into Karl's mouth.

Karl panted against his lips softly. "Don't...don't stop."

"Not going to stop, not ever," James sighed, his hips rolling gently as he fucked Karl.

Karl's moans came louder then, his nails scraping at the sheet as he hunched forward with a shudder. "Close...please..."

"Come for me," James murmured, using his teeth on Karl's earlobe, knowing that drove him crazy.

Karl let out a rough growl, his hips thrusting hard into James' hand as he lost control, coming over the other mans hand as his body clenched around his cock.

"God, oh baby, I love you," James groaned as he came inside Karl. "You make me so happy..." he kissed Karl's neck again. "It's better every time..."

Karl panted softly into the sheets, shuddering through his aftershocks. "you're too damn good at making me come." He didn't let himself say that back, he couldn't, not knowing the next day he'd be back to work.

James never usually let himself say the words, it was too hard not to hear them back, but sometimes he couldn't help it. He turned Karl over and kissed him, softly. He never made a big deal out of it, just took care of Karl like he knew he needed.

Karl kissed James deeply, wrapping his arms around the other mans neck and drinking him in. "I'm way too lucky too have you."

"I'm lucky you took me into your life," James answered. He kissed Karl's forehead. "We should sleep... we both have work tomorrow and you have classes too."

Karl nodded. "Yeah, I know...will you be here when I wake up? Or do you have to be there early?"

"I don't go anywhere until we've had breakfast and maybe even some morning sex," the only reason they might not would be if Karl didn't think he could work too but James wouldn't bring that up right now.

Karl smiled at that. "As long as you're not late for anything. I don't want you to get in trouble with your family, even if this is your hotel they can still make your life miserable."

"No, nothing urgent until after lunch, and my family know how happy I am right now," James said. "That's all they really want."

Karl nodded. "Good..." He smiled. "I like waking up to you wandering around my room in the morning light."

"I like seeing you when you wake up and see me." James had never told Karl that the moment he'd fallen in love with him was the third time that had happened. He'd just felt his heart clench at the expression in Karl's eyes.

Karl smiled at that. "You'd give me roses, and candies and French restaurants if I asked for them. I don't even know the words to tell you how wonderful you are."

"I'm going to give you those things someday," James said. "Whenever you'll let me. And I'm just glad you let me into your life, that's all I need from you." He smiled softly. "We need to sleep."

Karl nodded, pulling James to his chest. "Sleep, before we keep talking and end up going for another round."

"God, I'm tempted now," James teased, but he would have tried if Karl had wanted it. He rested his head on Karl's shoulder and closed his eyes. "Night," he whispered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few days later, Rob was waiting in the living room, impatiently for the next meeting to arrive. His contact at the police station had sent the paperwork over through a mutual friend of theirs, and he should be there any minute. He sighed and shifted uncomfortably. He never was good at the waiting game.

Warrick drove up to Rob's house and knocked on the door. He was absolutely certain he'd found who Zach was. He smiled at Matt and walked behind the younger man as he was led to Rob's office. Matt asked him if he wanted anything, but Warrick shook his head. "Need to talk to Rob about this now."

Matt nodded. "I'll leave you alone," and opened the door. "Rob, it's Warrick."

Rob waved the other man in. "Matt, I'll probably need to talk to you after this, don't get started on anything okay? And check on Zach for me please? Make sure he's not scratching."

"I gave him the gloves but I was heading up there anyway," Matt said. He gave Warrick a smile. "See you later."

"Later," Warrick nodded. He walked over to shake Rob's hand. "How are you doing?"

"I'll be better in a week or two when I can sleep through the night. I keep waking up to check on Zach." Rob shook his hand and sighed. "So, what did you find? I have no idea how to approach him because he keeps me so far removed."

"It's no wonder he does. Has he given you a last name?" Warrick asked. When he saw Rob shake his head, Warrick nodded. "Does the name Zachary Quinto mean anything to you? It was a pretty big case around twelve years ago." He handed Rob the file with the details he'd found.

Matt knocked on the door of Zach's room. "Hey, it's me," he said and headed into the room. "How are you doing today?"

Zach was sitting with his knees pulled up, his back to the wall, on the bed. "Feel like shit. Everything hurts and these gloves don't help, and I keep hearing people walking by and I think their gonna come start talking to me soon and I don't need that right now." He sighed. "What I need is some damn pain killers, and something better then the goddamn over the counter shit the wanna be doctor with the text books gave me."

Rob took the folder, trying to remember before opening it. "Somewhere in the midwest right? Kidnapping?" He opened the file and looked over what was in it, his eyes skimming quickly. "Jesus Christ he's lucky he's alive quite a few times over. Between this and his damn record of hospital visits in the last few years. And the fact that the media didn't catch wind of his addiction, they'd have had a Field day making him into a victim all over again." He set the folder down. "They did catch the bastard who did this, I remember that. The trial was big news because they thought he was a serial offender but couldn't prove anyone but Zach."

"I'm sorry," Matt said. He knew that was trite but he was. He walked in and sat beside Zach. "You can't have painkillers, no one's going to come in except me - and you know you can yell at me all you want," he'd been the recipient of an amazingly detailed rant yesterday. "I'd give you pain killers if I could but you can't until you're detoxed." He decided not to comment on the remark about Karl.

"Yeah," Warrick nodded. "He's incredibly lucky to be here right now." He nodded. "I remembered seeing something about it but it was mostly rumour." He had seen everything already. "Yeah, he's doing life, but they couldn't prove the murders they thought he'd done and honestly I think the world was just so damn happy that Zach hadn't been the next one killed that they went for getting him for that. Oh and Zach has a brother in town, he's got some nebulous mob connection but I think it's of the personal, not business kind."

"Explains why he came here. Run to somewhere they have someone to contact if they find your body." Rob shook his head and tapped the folder with the tip of his finger. "When they caught the guy he was what? About 30? That explains him not being fond of me, at least not being alone in a room with me. And the day he met me he told me he didn't do old men. I was charmed, because that takes some brass ones, but now that I see why, I almost feel bad for letting him think that's why I approached him. He knows otherwise now anyway." He let out a shaky sigh. "I can't say that this helps me figure out what the fuck to do, but at least I have his perspective now. Thank you, and let me know if theres anything you need. You know your always welcome here."

"Bookworm said he gave me some, but I think they were vitamins cause they were fucking enormous and he wouldn't let me crush them up. Goddamn it." He grabbed his pillow and threw it across the small room. "I need something. I can't sit here and fucking suffer. I'm not some goddamn dog." He groaned. "I feel like my skeletons going to rip itself off and go throw itself in a wood chipper."

"Yeah, around 30," Warrick nodded. "Complete bastard, but I guess that's not exactly a shock." He tried not to laugh, but instead just agreed. "Right, got you. And yes, he does know now. Better that he knows, when you think about it." Warrick sighed too. "I was hoping it would but yeah... it's not exactly good. That's something." He smiled. "Right now I need an ear, but I'll call you when things are a little more calm." He looked at his hands. "If you need anything, you know where I am."

"He gave you painkillers, he's given me the same thing for migraines," Matt said. "He just had to give you the mild stuff." He shook his head. "I can't, you know that. This is going to be hard. I know I keep saying that," he said before Zach started again. "But it's also true. I know how hard it is, but that doesn't make it a single bit easier. Do you want to go down to the gym and beat the pulp out of the bag again?"

"No, I hurt all over too much for that. I just, fuck I hate this. And I've slept like what an hour in the last day and a half? My stomachs a wreck, I'm miserable and I fucking hate it." He pulled his knees up, cringing as he did. "God does everything have to hurt?"

Rob nodded. "You know if you need anything, I've got connections in places. Everywhere from psychiatrists to rehabs, and their usually pretty discreet because they don't want our connection to them getting out." He studied Warrick carefully.

"I know it's hard," Matt said. "I know, Zach. I've been where you are, remember? And yes, it does, because that's what that shit does to you, it makes you hurt so you want more of it, and then you have too much and... well, you know." He sighed. "Want some water? I know that's been staying down."

"I know," Warrick smiled. "Know what you mean, it's surprising the amount of people who don't want it known that they even talk to cops or lab workers who they think are cops." He looked over Rob as he was studied. "I just... some days it's really harder than it should be. This was a better one... at least Zach got out."

"And had he not this asshole might still be on the street. If anything, I think you should take it as a good sign that your city inherited one of the greatest survivors the media has documented in the last 20 years. Even now, with as much shit as he's got in his system hes getting angry and not giving up. That's the sign of someone who will make it." Rob put his elbows on the desk. "Because anger can be turned into motivation, if done properly."

"Maybe some broth? I need the flavor of something other then just plain water in my mouth, but I really don't want to throw up." Zach frowned at the thought. "Fucking hate throwing up."

"That's true," Warrick nodded. He smiled. "How do you always know the right things to say?" he asked. "Seriously, there are times I've watched you and would never have thought you got it right, only you did." He nodded. "I know. I had a little of that."

Matt nodded. "I know. It's a horrible feeling. Like you're totally out of control in a way you aren't in a lot of other ways. I'll head down to the kitchen and see what I can find." He kissed Zach's forehead, gently.

Zach nodded, blinking back tears. "Hurry, when I'm alone I feel like people are gonna come in here and start questioning me about things."

"Because, someone who's been doing what I've been doing this long, has to have faith or they'll die every time they fail. My faith just happens to be in the strength inside the boys I have here. People like Karl who are going to make it out and prove everyone wrong." Rob smiled. "If I didn't focus on that this job would eat me for breakfast."

Matt ran down the hall to the kitchen. He then walked back as quickly as he could. Sometimes Zach literally broke his heart, though he hadn't ever said that to anyone but Rob, because it was about Zach getting better, not how awful it made Matt feel. Rob held him and let him get it out, though.

"I can imagine that," Warrick nodded. "You have some great people here, and they are. I think Matt will, too," Warrick said, carefully.

"I truly hope that every boy in this house does. No matter how attached I am." He smiled, catching Matts movement outside the door. "Matt, when you get a second, I have something I need to discuss with you." He called after him.

Zach pulled the second pillow over his face, trying to block out the light and hoping that he might nod off for a few minutes while Matt was gone, so it would pass faster.

"I know what you mean," Warrick nodded. "I want to do all I can to help you, too. You don't know how many you don't get..." softly.

"I will, but Zach needs me right now," Matt said. "He should sleep in a few hours if for no other reason than that he can't fight it any more, I'll be with you then, okay?"

"Like I said, when you get a second." He glanced at Warrick. "Its gonna be just as hard to tell him what happened as it is to talk to Zach about it. Their surprisingly close. At least it surprised me. But like I said, Zach's afraid of me, and Matt seems to remind him of someone."

Zach felt the pain creep in again, using the pillow now to muffle the sound of his crying. He hoped he'd be able to keep this broth down, his stomach ached all ready.

"I know, should I wake you?" Matt asked. "If you're sleeping?" He wasn't sure, and didn't want to make things hard for Rob.

"I know," Warrick said. "I think that's good for them, but yeah... he'll take it bad, I already know that from what I know of Matt. If you need help... let me know."

"I will, thank you again." Rob smiled at Warrick. "Don't let me keep you, go home and rest, your eyes are tired." He thought about that. "Yeah, wake me, I doubt I'll be asleep though honestly. I've got a lot on my mind."

"Okay," Matt nodded and headed for the kitchen, he hoped Zach would be okay, even though he knew he wasn't - yet. He held tight to those three little letters.

"It was a long shift," Warrick agreed. "I'll see you soon. And thanks, Rob. You've been a good man for a lot longer than you know." He shook his hand and walked out.

Matt headed back to the room with the broth and knocked before he went into the room in case Zach needed a moment. He swallowed when he realised Zach was crying.

Zach peered from under the pillow, making sure of who it was before letting himself be seen fully. "Thank you..." His voice was shaky.

Rob stood and led Warrick to the door. "You've got my number if you need to make arrangements. Thanks again for getting these files here so fast."

"it's okay," Matt said. He sat the broth down and sat on the bed. If Zach needed to be held more than he needed to eat, he was there for him.

"No problem," Warrick said. "I kind of wish it had been another case of a kid kicked out for being gay or something," he said. "But you know what you need to now."

"It says something that being hated for being you is the good option for ending up here doesn't it?" He shook his head. "I've got somewhere to start, and Matt should help because he knows Zach better."

"Hurts... I don't want this anymore, don't want to hurt and hurt you and throw up and..." He buried his face in the pillow again.

"It does, none of it good," Warrick said. "And yes, I'm sure Matt will help. He's a good kid," Warrick said. "Later," and he went out to his car.

"I know," Matt gently held Zach, watching for flinches of pain. "I know, Zach. I know the middle's the part that hurts so, so much, makes you want to scream and shout and just give up."

"Its never gonna get better is it? Its going to feel like someones dripping acid into my bones forever and no one wants to tell me because they know I'll run." He held onto Matt tightly. "It all hurts so much when I can't numb it."

Rob grabbed the folder and moved to his room, settling onto his bed to start reading through the details he didn't really want to know, but might make him more aware of the triggers Zach had.

"I promise, it gets better," Matt told him. "I promise, Zach. It feels horrible right now, I know it does, but it will feel better given time. I'd say when your body gives up and you sleep, it'll feel some better after you wake up. Not completely, but you'll be over the first hurdle. That's how it was for me, and I know it might not work that way for you but it could. And I promise it will eventually get better."

"I hate it so much.. .fuck...." He cried softly against the other man, not letting go yet. "I like being able to forget sometimes, and I can't like this..."

"I'm sorry you can't forget, Zach," Matt said. "I know there have to be so many awful things in your mind, because how else could you need to do that?" He massaged Zach's skin gently. "I'm so sorry. I wish I could say more."

Zach sniffled against him softly. "I'm not usually like this...I think I can count on one hand how many people have seen me cry after I turned 11. I try so hard not to let it be this way." He said quietly.

"You're in pain, some of the worst pain it's possible to be in," Matt said. "I'd be more worried if you didn't cry." He stroked Zach's back gently. "I won't tell anyone, either. Not if you don't want me to."

"I thought I couldn't for a long time. Thought there wasn't a point because nothing could be worse then the past. Then one day I started and I couldn't stop..." He sighed softly. "Matty came and hauled me out of my bed, made me come to his house, and we smoked a joint, and everything kinda just lightened up. He apologized to me later for starting the trend, but I could've been a man and just handled my shit."

"Couldn't what?" Matt was a little confused. He was listening, though. "It wasn't his fault, if it hadn't been him you'd have been in a bar somewhere and offered something other than booze, or," his voice trembled, "your dad might have offered you your first joint and then encouraged you every step until he died first and left you alone..."

Zach gave a rough sigh. "Dad was all ready gone by this point. Mom was trying to keep my safe from a world full of baddies by overcrowding me." He shook his head. "I'm sorry, that you lost him. When I lost mine I wasn't old enough to really get what was happening other then my family being really upset, and Dad not coming home."

"I'm sorry too," Matt said. "I never knew my mom, I don't even know if she's dead or if she ran away." He shook his head. "You don't need to hear about my problems, though. I'm sorry you lost your dad, too. That's a pain that can't ever be described."

"It actually helps a little to know that I'm not the only one whose life fucking blows." Zach sat up some and wiped his face. "My brother kinda took over after Dad died, the one who made sure Mom wasn't worried sick about us constantly, and who would sit with me till I fell asleep on the bad nights. I came to Vegas to be near him, but he doesn't want me there."

"That's something," Matt half-smiled. "I didn't have anyone to take over, and well... I was lucky. Rob found me before I got killed, because it would've happened, whether it was the drugs or the wrong person." He nodded. "Your brother sounds amazing. I bet he doesn't want you out here with the drugs but would be good with you being here when you're sober."

Zach stared at the floor. "When I came here I went to his place and when he offered to make me dinner I asked him for money. When he wouldn't give me anything I got angry, threw something and left. Why the hell would he want me back?"

"Because he's your brother and he loves you," Matt said. "No matter what, he loves you. And honestly, if you asked for money first, I'd probably have thrown you out myself."

"I didn't give him time too, though I wouldn't' blame him for it either. I'm such an idiot. I owe him so much and the first time he sees me in years I'm trying to mooch so I can get high. I just figured he'd not want to see me like this, and that would make him help." He shook his head.

"You aren't an idiot, you were in the grip of that shit," Matt said. "He probably would want to see you anyway, you know he would. He's family. Family loves you."

Zach nodded. "They've always been good to me, even when I didn't need or deserve it. I've screwed up so much, I just hope its fixable."

"Sometimes you might need to give them time if the time you try doesn't work," Matt said. "And you'll have us. All of us."

Zach looked at the other man for a moment, then at the soup. "I should try to eat that, before that medical student comes in and tries to put in a feeding tube and ends up doing more damage the he's fixing." Zach hadn't liked doctors since he was young, and it was never anything personal, but being poked at felt like an invasion to him, and he never got past that.

"I'm sure he wouldn't do that," Matt couldn't help laughing. He picked up the soup. "Need some help?" he asked, casually. Never pushing Zach but prepared to help him if he needed it.

"Just hold the bowl? I can feed myself I think but till its a bit lighter I'm afraid I'll tip it." He gave a weak smile. "I feel like a child again."

"Whatever you need, and it's okay," Matt said with a gentle smile. He'd kind of felt fatherly toward Zach, who was around his own age, but he didn't think saying it would be a good idea at this point. He held the bowl, with the spoon turned toward Zach.

Zach took a mouthful of the broth, swallowing it carefully, trying to gauge how his stomach would handle it. After an uneasy moment, he figured it was at least staying down for the time being, and took another mouth full. "Its nice to have something with some flavor, so sick of water."

"I remember the first time I had something that wasn't water. I don't think I've ever felt that same way about food again, it was so much more amazing than something so simple should have been," Matt said. He watched Zach carefully. If it worked the same way things had for him, Zach just might find his body telling him to sleep after he ate.

Zach nodded. "I know my stomach wants real food, that's the worst part. Knowing what I want and being unable to handle it. Its torture."

"You should be able to handle some rice and apple sauce soon," Matt said. He was familiar with the menu best for upset stomachs.

Zach sighed happily at the thought. "Never thought such bland shit would sound so good."

"It'll taste like a gourmet meal," Matt nodded. "And when you're up for it? I'll take you out for a proper gourmet meal. Anything you want."

"Are you asking me on a date? Or is this a welcome dinner?" Zach took another bite of broth, glad to have light conversation to go with it.

"As a friend, who knows how it feels, maybe a date if you want to think of it that way," Matt said. "But no expectations."

Zach nodded. "Okay, but nowhere too classy, I have no fancy clothes."

"I know a place that the food's amazing but they don't have a dress code, decent jeans and shirt are all you'll need," Matt nodded.

"Sounds nice, can't tell you the last time I ate something that was a full meal. At least that wasn't fast food." He sighed.

"You'll have good food before that, though," Matt smiled. "Once you can eat, we'll make you the best meal the kitchen can muster and it's a good one, I promise."

"I really don't deserve the way you want to treat me." He shook his head.

"Yes, you do," Matt said. "You're going through a lot right now." He moved a little on the bed.

Zach nodded. "I think after this I'll try to rest more. You can go if you want but try to stay close if you can. I might need you fast."

"The way you're looking, you're close to your body giving up the fight and actually sleeping solidly for a few hours," Matt said. "I'll be right down the hall in Rob's room."

Zach nodded, taking down another spoon full of broth. "This is enough for now I think, I don't want to stress out my stomach. And the less I have in me too puke up, the better."

Matt nodded and put it aside to take out when he left Zach. He would try to get him sleeping before he left.

Zach laid down, pulling the pillow tight against his chest and sighing. "I hope I can fall asleep. I'm so tired."

"I know," Matt stroked his hair softly. "You've been awake nearly a week straight, and that's just the time here."

"I nodded in and out a few times, mostly from sheer exhaustion." Zach murmured, enjoying the gentle touch.

"Yeah, but no solid sleep," Matt murmured softly. "You need to relax and sleep," he made his tone as soothing as he could, hoping to send Zach to sleep.

Zach grunted softly in acknowledgement, feeling his body untense some as he started to drift. "Cover me before you leave." He mumbled softly.

"I promise," Matt whispered. "I'll always take care of you when I can."

Zach smiled softly into his pillow, feeling sleep pulling him under as the other man touched him gently.

Matt stayed with Zach until he was sure he was asleep and likely to stay that way. He turned on the monitor Rob had set up and took the receiver with him.

Rob was laying on his bed, reading over Zachs file. A few pages laid on the bed beside him. His heart ached for the boy in the other room now, more then he'd though was possible.

Matt knocked softly on the door. He felt like it had been twice as long as it had actually been since he'd seen Rob.

Rob looked up, smiling softly and setting the folder down. "Come here, I've missed your company." He waved the other man over.

"I've missed you too," Matt walked over and fell into Rob's arms. He rested his head on Rob's chest and just breathed for a moment.

"Hows Zach doing?" He asked softly, stroking Matts back. "Is he feeling any better today?"

"He is, but he's in some kind of depression that isn't anything to do with the drugs," Matt said. "He's sleeping right now, and he ate a little broth."

"I think I can tell you what it has to do with." He said softly, sighing. "I had some of my connections pull up his file. I figured at the least I'd find out if he was a chronic thief or something. Hes way bigger then I thought Matt."

"Is he some kind of... would they call the sons mob princes?" Matt asked. "Or something else?"

"No, though there might be a connection there through his brother. No... Do you know who Derek Samsom is? He was all over the news when you were probably really young so you might not remember." He looked down at Matt.

Matt frowned and then nodded, slowly. "I read a book about the most horrific unsolved murders or something like that, he was supsected of killing a lot of kids but nothing ever stuck. They got one kid away from him and that's why he's in jail for life."

Rob reached over, grabbing a copy of an article from the folder and held it out to Matt. "Let me introduce the one who got away." The top of the page showed a little boy, his dark hair shading his face, clinging to his mothers side, his face pressed in her side.

He might be bigger now, but Matt had seen that exact same posture too much the last few days not to know right away. "Oh my god..."

"Yeah, that's about what I said too. I don't know if I'm enough for him. He probably needs more help then I can give him and that scares the hell out of me. I can't let him down, I promised him I'd help." He shook his head. "That boy's been through enough to kill three people. He's lucky he lived long enough to become an addict."

Matt nodded, biting his lip. "He'll never get any other help, not at this point. What we need to do, if we can, is get him to the point where he might accept other help and then make sure he gets it... I think we can do that."

Rob sighed softly. "He's seen a lot of psychiatrists, theres notes about it on some of his arrests. Lots of people who wanted to medicate him to push the pain down instead of trying to help him get past it. I get now why he doesn't trust me though, and I feel like I should be offended but I'm not."

"When you think about it, he's trusting you even if he can't admit it to himself," Matt said. "We'll just have to find someone who won't medicate him, then. Maybe Karl can help some, even..."

"He trusts me not to invade his space, and the fact that I haven't pushed earns me points in his book, but he's waiting for the other shoe to drop. I need to sit down and talk to him and explain to him that I know, and I'm not going to try to force anything. Because until he gets that I'm aware of why he's the way he is, I don't think he'll ever trust my motives." Rob shook his head. "Poor boy, I can't imagine all that. Living on the streets is enough on its own."

Matt nodded, "You know when not to push, though, you knew it with me, too." He listened to Rob. "That sounds good. He should be up to hearing you after this sleep. God, I have so much respect for him, he's got through more than I ever did."

"He's really amazing, but he'll never see that and that might be the tragedy of the whole thing." Rob shook his head. "I hope I don't let him down."

"You won't, you couldn't," Matt said. "No way could you let him down, you are way to committed."

Rob smiled at the younger man softly. "I wish I believed in me the way you boys do. I'd be far more confident." He looked at the article, sitting on the bed beside them and shook his head. "He's still that boy, scared and confused and hating the fact that everyone thinks he can't take care of himself."

"You need to," Matt said, and he nodded. "He's terrified and it's obvious. I thought it was the drugs but it's so much more." He looked at the picture. "We have to take care of him without making him feel like he's not taking care of himself, which I think we're doing."

"I know he wouldn't have come here if he didn't want help, I just had no idea how badly he needed love. You know he even had a reporter all but attack him a few years ago, some wacko who was obsessed with the case and wanted to do a 'where are they now' type deal. When he told the guy no the guy tried to grab him and whoever was with Zach ended up pulling him off and scaring him away. Theres a police report of the incident because Zach was scared the guy might keep up. He even put a restraining order on him. The person listed as being a witness to the assault was named Matt, so I'm assuming its the guy he thought you were at first." Rob put the article back into the folder, and closed it, moving to put it in his drawer before laying back onto the pillows. "He has to live in fear of people like that every day."

"He needs people who care about him, and I do, you know. It isn't just taking care of him, though that's a part of it. We're... connecting," Matt said, softly. "I don't want him... sexually. I mean, if he asks, I won't say no, but it wouldn't be anything beyond the moment, I don't think." He shook his head. "Not that I have been thinking about it much or anything. Just... you know? I think I love him but not that way?" He shuddered. "That reporter comes near here I might not be responsible for my actions."

"He seems to have given you purpose. You like taking care of him, maybe you should think about going into that. Maybe nursing?" Rob suggested. "One Doctor's ego is big enough for this house I think, but you'd be amazing I think. And he seems to have disappeared, so if he does come back then we'll all take turns showing him the door the hard way."

Matt chuckled. "I could never be a doctor, it just wouldn't work. All that studying! I mean, I like to study but I keep feeling sorry for Karl," He grinned. "I could try it," he nodded, seriously. "I'm glad the guy has disappeared."

"I think you'd be good at it. Your a natural, as they say." Rob shifted and pulled Matt too him. "You know how to take care of me too, after all."

Matt sighed and nodded. "I love taking care of you," he smiled up at Rob and buried his head between Rob's shoulder and neck.

Rob smiled at that, pressing a kiss to Matt's forehead softly. "It shows because you do it well."

"Well, thank you," Matt pressed a kiss to Rob's neck.

"That feels so nice...I love having my neck touched, but a lot of people don't do it enough. You do it just enough I think." He smiled.

"I'm glad," Matt smiled and did it again. "I love kissing you everywhere but your neck always..." he blushed a bit, "smells and feels good."

"We should really get a nap in while Zach's napping... if you keep doing that we won't though." He said softly. "Been so distracted with everything I think I'm a bit over sensitive."

"I know we should," Matt agreed. "It's just... been a while..." he didn't want to push, though. He knew sleeping was a good idea. "Maybe if we're really lucky he'll sleep long enough for us to nap and maybe have some time after that."

Rob stroked his fingers down Matts back. "I know it has, and I know its got to be frustrating for you since I know he's come on to you a few times."

"He couldn't handle it, physically," Matt said softly. "it's not all that frustrating knowing that. It's more missing you, even though I know he needs me... needs us right now."

"You can always have me, Matt. All you have to do is ask... I won't ever deny you when you need this." He said softly.

"We should be responsible and sleep," Matt said. "Maybe take the next chance we get?"

"We will babe. You've got to be exhausted, I don't think you've slept much more then Zach has." Rob ran his fingers through Matts hair.

"I am," Matt yawned widely. "You've been up near as much as I have, I've seen your light under your door." He laid his head on Rob's chest again. "Sleeping in your arms is enough for now."